i hate being alone in my room like this... sitting on my chair, fingers ready to attack my keyboard, heart pumping, and my brain on overdrive. expecially after i read my past entries, especially THOSE that concerned my not so distant past. it bugs me that everytime i read it i feel myself being dragged back again, back to where i started, back where i stumbled and fell. and it really is ironic, because every entry i did, i'll end it with a goodbye... but somehow, like now, i see myself still typing those words i long to erase, those thoughts i long to forget. i never really said that i was good at goodbyes, nostalgia eats me. and right now it's eating me whole. why do i even say goodbye when i don't even really mean it. i never wanted to say goodbye, never wanted to be apart from you. and now i'm asking myself why i did it. it never really made sense, maybe because i didn't make sense at all. and reading what i have just typed... i suddenly remember that ache in my heart that i have forgotten by the happiness that i was feeling. happy days with someone else... maybe the happiness i was feeling was too weak, because i can feel my heart aching again.

someday, i wish i could say to you what i really feel... believe it or not, what i told you before was either a lie or incomplete. you know when it comes to telling you what i feel i'm good at it as i am at goodbyes... you should know, you're the only person who knew me more than myself, you're the only person that came this close to my heart. and me taking you out of it was the most difficult task i ever made and my heart never ceased to let me remember what i have done. that i have caused it so much pain to almost shatter into thousands of pieces, almost.

my heart never did stop loving you, maybe my mind did but not my heart, never my heart.

alix | 11:01:00 PM